Overdue post... Life, love and happiness

Ok so finally after a near month of not writing I’ve decided to write. I’ve gone to write several times and for one reason or another, don’t.

Life has been insane the last few weeks and doesn’t show much sign of slowing down in the near future. I’ve been in the works of getting my CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). After working all day, I’ve been at class Monday-Friday (except one class I missed and have to make up.) from5:00 pm – 10:00 pm. Finally, I am done with the night classes. I have my make up class this week in the morning. This last weekend I had my first clinical (I go help a certified CNA and get practice at a resting home). I have two more to do and then I can get my papers to test (after hours of studying). This upcoming weekend I am taking a phlebotomy (drawing blood) class to help me get a job at a hospital. Then, my next clinical is on Sunday, and again the following weekend. I’m looking forward to my next clinical. I had fun on Saturday. It was an enlightening experience. Even as sad as some of it was, I knew I was making a difference. Even though some of the people won’t remember me I know that from the smiles they gave whether it was a mechanical mind responses or genuine, for that one instant, something inside of them sparked. I saw myself in a different way. I am a compassionate, loving, gentle, kind, caring person. I’ve always known I am but I have a hard time expressing that to people whom I see on a daily/weekly basis. I am excited to start this journey. Regardless of which medical position I choose as my profession, I’ll be great at it.

As far as my life outside of my career exploration. Hmmm. What has been going on?


I waxed Jessica’s legs. That was an experience all in itself, a hilarious one I might add. I don’t think I have any desire to ever do that. I’m sure she’ll enjoy me sharing that experience. I wish I had had a video and a camera so I could post her screaming (only a few times). I’m sure Jordan appreciated the waxy smoothed legs.


I'm going to be working some extra hours at the mall for my current job now. I'll be at a kiosk. Yay, i can hardly wait (I'm really not looking forward to it but the extra cash will be nice).

This is what happens when I am bored at work. I make stuff with My Memories Suite. Click on it and you'll be able to see it even better. I could write about more interesting things I suppose. Today is Halloween... that's exciting. I am going as a Girl Scout. True to the name i went to the store to get my sash and badges. HAHA. So fun. I love seeing the kids in their costumes. My sisters made their daughter(s) pioneer girl costumes. Crazy! Jamie also made Corbin a Ghost Buster costume. lol. I can't wait to see him in it. I can just hear him saying "whoya gonna call! Ghost Busters!" *nanananannan nanana nanan na na* Speaking of ghosts. On the radio this morning they were having people call in who have ghosts around them. Eek! I don't like ghosts. I hate aliens even more. My sister was letting her girls watch SIGNS last night. Is she crazy?!?! Oh man, I hate that show. There has been a couple times I have gone to go to bed (I sleep with the TV on) and SIGNS will be on. I make a little shrill and dash for the remote. I didn't believe in the whole ghost thing until we had one at our house. Yes, seriously we did. The basement was a creepy place to be. You always felt like someone was watching you. You'd go upstairs and could feel the hairs on your neck stand up. You'd glance back...nothing was there. Ask Shawn about it. He may cry and run away though it I imagine was a pretty horrific experience. There were a couple things that happened to him but the big one was, one night, he was home alone the rest of us were at dinner, I get this call "Are you guys coming home soon. I've pissed off the ghost and he's attacking me." I laughed, thought it was pretty funny. He was serious. I guess he got home and looked down the stairs by the garage and saw this hazy form of a body. He was smart and started yelling (My ass would have been out of the house in 2 seconds flat, screaming, crying) at it telling it to F**k off, blah blah and then all of a sudden he felt this immense pressure on his chest like someone pushing him. It kept going on. He kept saying "you need to come home now." So we called my sister Jennifer who lived 5 minutes away. When we got home they were sitting outside the house with Shawn facing the house. He wouldn't turn his back on the house and wanted Jennifer to see behind him. We got there not too long after Jen did, maybe 15 minutes and he was still shaken up. It was crazy. Me and Dustin went in the house (i was terrified but Dustin was cracking me up on the way home about it so i went in with him). We didn't have anything happen to us. Would have been kind of cool if it did (even though the whole idea freaks me, I'd at least have a story). When my parents got home my dad said some blessing and we haven't really had problems since. There are other confirmations there was a ghost but I've sworn to secrecy. Ok, so maybe I'll tell you in person but not on here, she'd murder me. Let's just say.... it was a perverted ghost. Nice... we attract the voyeur ghosts. I guess that's what we get for sneaking in the basement to have sex and make out. LOL now i live down there. I haven't had any problems though.

Apples to Apples

So I've had these two apples on my desk for... a week and a half now? I star at them every day. Even when my stomach is grumbling, i just look at them. I picked one up the other day... the wax grossed me out; my fingers felt all filmy so I gently placed it back in its spot. I think it felt extra lubed because they are kept exceptionally warm so the wax is soft. I keep telling myself I don't like apples. Which, isn't the truth. lol. Why i feed myself that informatin is beyond me. I don't like "A typical" apples (red delicious) or apple pie or apple cake or anything else apple. However, Gala apples, which are above the "A typical" apples with a delectably sweet crunchiness are a whole other apple category. As I sit here finally killing the apple with my mouth I wonder to myself yet again... why have I been in such resistance, its really not so bad. It's certainly a better choice than the chips in the conference room. I get bored and when I'm bored I graze. A poor apple died today because of my sad habit. I guess its for the higher good... it did however save my life.

Self Realizations and thoughts.

Yesterday was my birthday. Birthday great, emotional state no so great. I am so grateful to have my friends and family in my life. Even though my emotional state was wavering (seriously I almost started crying like 5 times) I had a good birthday.. Everyone I wanted to be there (except a few but all of them are out of the state right now).

I wish sometimes I would cut the bullshit and just be, quit worrying about sounding like an idiot or saying the wrong thing. It dawned on me yesterday one of my biggest issues about myself is that I am not enough. I knew this was kind of an issue but I thought I had gotten over the majority of it. Do we ever really get over things? I don't think so. I think they will always be there and a part of us - isn’t that what shapes us and who we become as we get older? If that’s the case how does it disappear? Maybe it was the anti-depressants I took that numbed it away. I've been doing great and then I have one off day and it then fuck it all comes tumbling down around me (ok so maybe not that bad but I don’t know how to deal with it this time).


The issue resides mainly with men but it trickles into every relationship I have. I can look at all my past relationships (with men) and in one form or another every single one has said (some verbally) that I'm not good enough. Billy was the beginning, he pretty much stated every day what he thought of me, you're little ears and eyes couldn't take it. That was right after I my training and pretty much cracked the foundation I thought I had. Even though its been five years, he still finds ways to contact me and say the things he always did. It’s insane. Mr. Anal couldn't get over his ex wife and constantly made comments here and there about me vs all the ex's. Getting him to actually talk/listen to me was a challenge all in itself (people wonder why i get loud sometimes... it all roots back to this issue). Funny thing is, I know that they are seriously messed up guys and it had nothing to do with me. I have a knack for picking them. It’s not that all guys are ass holes, I just get to make new choices and find the good ones. If I was so horrible, why does Billy FIVE years later still write and for a few years after still try to get me to be his friend? That doesn’t overpower the other thoughts unfortunately.

When it comes to friends, it’s easier to keep them at arms length then let them in and watch them leave. I’ve had too many friends walk away. Friends I thought were there regardless. One who was pretty straight LDS, I wasn’t, I had sex and she decided she couldn’t be my friend after that. The other pretty much just stopped. Granted she’s odd and I’m realizing that the older I get. It still hurts though so why put myself through it and get more friends?

My mom was telling me something my brother had read about women and PMS. It's not that they are bitchy and that all these new issues comes up that time of the month but its their grieving period for them to let go. Something like that. Which, being a girl makes sense. It's that time of the month for me and uhm yay? Not! lol.

Women's staffing next week... fuck that could be interesting. I've never been so puke nervous about staffing before. I know it has everything to do with the not enough feeling lately and that I’ll probably break down and cry and I’m not so comfortable with the vulnerable feeling. Let me rephrase that I HATE people seeing the uncomposed side of Haley. I’m great at pretending I’m fine. I don’t like people seeing my weaknesses. I’ve always had this “I need to be tough, take care of it myself,” attitude. I think the main reason I hate all of that so much is I don’t want them to think less of me for it. I worked there I’m supposed to be hunky dory have it all figured out, blah blah. I don’t. Normally anything regarding GL, especially staffing, i'm pretty much in my element with but that’s when I have it all together. I am however, excited to cook.