Self Realizations and thoughts.

Yesterday was my birthday. Birthday great, emotional state no so great. I am so grateful to have my friends and family in my life. Even though my emotional state was wavering (seriously I almost started crying like 5 times) I had a good birthday.. Everyone I wanted to be there (except a few but all of them are out of the state right now).

I wish sometimes I would cut the bullshit and just be, quit worrying about sounding like an idiot or saying the wrong thing. It dawned on me yesterday one of my biggest issues about myself is that I am not enough. I knew this was kind of an issue but I thought I had gotten over the majority of it. Do we ever really get over things? I don't think so. I think they will always be there and a part of us - isn’t that what shapes us and who we become as we get older? If that’s the case how does it disappear? Maybe it was the anti-depressants I took that numbed it away. I've been doing great and then I have one off day and it then fuck it all comes tumbling down around me (ok so maybe not that bad but I don’t know how to deal with it this time).


The issue resides mainly with men but it trickles into every relationship I have. I can look at all my past relationships (with men) and in one form or another every single one has said (some verbally) that I'm not good enough. Billy was the beginning, he pretty much stated every day what he thought of me, you're little ears and eyes couldn't take it. That was right after I my training and pretty much cracked the foundation I thought I had. Even though its been five years, he still finds ways to contact me and say the things he always did. It’s insane. Mr. Anal couldn't get over his ex wife and constantly made comments here and there about me vs all the ex's. Getting him to actually talk/listen to me was a challenge all in itself (people wonder why i get loud sometimes... it all roots back to this issue). Funny thing is, I know that they are seriously messed up guys and it had nothing to do with me. I have a knack for picking them. It’s not that all guys are ass holes, I just get to make new choices and find the good ones. If I was so horrible, why does Billy FIVE years later still write and for a few years after still try to get me to be his friend? That doesn’t overpower the other thoughts unfortunately.

When it comes to friends, it’s easier to keep them at arms length then let them in and watch them leave. I’ve had too many friends walk away. Friends I thought were there regardless. One who was pretty straight LDS, I wasn’t, I had sex and she decided she couldn’t be my friend after that. The other pretty much just stopped. Granted she’s odd and I’m realizing that the older I get. It still hurts though so why put myself through it and get more friends?

My mom was telling me something my brother had read about women and PMS. It's not that they are bitchy and that all these new issues comes up that time of the month but its their grieving period for them to let go. Something like that. Which, being a girl makes sense. It's that time of the month for me and uhm yay? Not! lol.

Women's staffing next week... fuck that could be interesting. I've never been so puke nervous about staffing before. I know it has everything to do with the not enough feeling lately and that I’ll probably break down and cry and I’m not so comfortable with the vulnerable feeling. Let me rephrase that I HATE people seeing the uncomposed side of Haley. I’m great at pretending I’m fine. I don’t like people seeing my weaknesses. I’ve always had this “I need to be tough, take care of it myself,” attitude. I think the main reason I hate all of that so much is I don’t want them to think less of me for it. I worked there I’m supposed to be hunky dory have it all figured out, blah blah. I don’t. Normally anything regarding GL, especially staffing, i'm pretty much in my element with but that’s when I have it all together. I am however, excited to cook.